No. 0063 - Occupy Death Star

The eggshell has never been thinner for the government to walk on than ever. It seems like no matter what they do these day, someone or something or some group or some entity from all walks of life WILL be offended. Well embrace yourselves reader because I'm about to vent.

Why do I feel like I'm the only one who is paying taxes these days? Correct me if I'm wrong but doesn't the government requires me to pay more just to compensate for other people who doesn't? (Actually wait a minute, doesn't health care works the same way too? I think I'm onto something here!).

But wait, there's more. Last night I learned from NPR about who is going to pay for this two month payroll taxcut. At first I was going expecting them to say the "top 1%", you know, the evil empire ran by Darth Vader himself. And guess what, nope. Not Darth Vader, but the mortgage lenders. And guess who really ends up paying for it? Yep, the ones taking out the mortgage or refinancing (aka people like me). Here is the scenario NPR posed, a $200,000 home on a 30 year fixed rate of 4.25% will be effectively be paying an extra .1%, that equates to about $4000 (and that only pays for the next two months of payroll taxcut).

THAT'S IT! No more of this! We need to have a rebellion. Fuel up the Millennial Falcon because we are going to the Death Star. We will dock all of our spaceships on their docks, that will show them. We will harass all of the storm troopers. "Hey there, you know I have siblings too, but guess what, they don't look like me 'cause I'm NOT CLONED". Where's Luke? Where's the Princess? Where's Hans Solo? Someone should bring Jabba the Hutt too because I think this type of movement should fit pretty well with people (or aliens) like them. Now this is truly what I call the 99% (that's 99% of all living, breathing, crawling, sliming, tenacle-ly things). I can see how these movements are going to play out already. It will take us 6 rounds to successful overthrow the government (and then we'll go back digitally remaster the first three afterwards). Watch out Darth Vader, Palpatine and the rest of Galactic Senate, you may find your Death Star occupied real soon!

No. 0062 - Recessionopoly

Editorial Note: So I've outsourced my blogging to an unpaid (but highly valued) employee, Sarah Chow aka my wife. Please note that the first-person mentioned has been tainted with the writer's perspective.

I am a big fan of Monopoly. I've already developed two Monopoly inventions on this blog: Invention No. 0043: Monopoly Extended Play and Invention No. 0019: "Communist: The Game. So my natural instinct when I woke up on my own at 5:30 a.m. Saturday morning was to play Monopoly on my iPod. And my wife's natural reaction when she woke up to me playing Monopoly at that hour was to tell me 1) go back to sleep and 2) that game doesn't make any sense in today's economy anyway.

Actually, Monopoly is a perfect game for today's economic climate, given that it was first invented in the Great Depression. But I have to agree that some of the details for how to get rich in the game aren't necessarily relevant to the Great Recession. Which is why I'm proposing a few modifications to update Monopoly for today.

Recession Monopoly starts with everyone having property, with each property square having 3 mortgaged houses on it. The goal of the game? Have no mortgages. The first person to either pay off or discard all their homes wins. When you land on someone's property, you have to take their mortgage. And if you land on your own property, you have to take out a second mortgage.

In Recession Monopoly, borrowing money is easy and spending it is encouraged. Things will be a little more interesting with the Chance and Community Chest cards, too. They'll include cards such as "CEO parachute: collect 50% of all other player's cash and spend half a turn in jail"; "Invent an Apple iProduct: collect $500 from other players"; "Discover your investments are in European bonds: pay $750 to the bank"; "Sue for miscellaneous damages: collect $500 from the bank"; etc. And in addition to losing to the ordinary tax cards (which already go straight to the bank and not into the schools and roads they claim to), you can cash in big with a government bailout card (applicable only to the player already in the lead).

Would a game this painful be successful? It shouldn't be, but do the right thing for the economy: increase your consumer spending and buy it.

No. 0061 - Wife-Fi

Last week at the mall we walked past the Apple store and saw a line with about a hundred people in it. I thought, "did Apple decide to open up a club in the middle of the mall? ... oh wait, they are all Apple geeks waiting to buy the new iPhone."

Don't get me wrong: I think the iPhone 4 is a pretty awesome device. I mean, who doesn't want constant web access, GPS support and Facebook stalking at a push of an app. But who needs an iPhone when you have Wife-Fi!?

My wife and I recently have been house hunting. I had yesterday off from work so I decided to drive around to check out some of these places that our realtor sent us. Here I am at the first house as I'm peeking in through the windows like a burglar to see what's inside. Lo and behold, there is a SKELETON hanging in the middle of the garage. Then my logically brain kicks in and thought "I wonder if this place has central AC? ... TO THE WIFE-FI!" Speed dial the wife at work and BINGO - MLS listing. After a short discussion of my assessment of the property with my wife, then on to the next place. I ended the call saying "oh yeah, by the way there is a skeleton hanging in the middle of a dusty garage."

Now when you have a GPS that has been out of date for the last 2 years like mine, you would find Wife-Fi very useful too. Considering the next place that I was going to check out is a spanking new home, the street was probably paved yesterday. So I speed dial the wife again, and BLAMO! ... turn by turn directions to my next destination. Can you just feel the sheer awesomeness of this invention yet?! I mean, does your GPS or iPhone say "I love you!" or "see you at dinner!" every time you turn it off? (Oh and let's not also forget the live traffic report update feature as well. "How's the I90 doing? Are the Bruins or Red Sox playing tonight AGAIN! because that usually means gridlock" Very cool feature.)

When you think about it, Wife-Fi really is a simple invention. All you need is a phone and a wife. It is safe to use because you don't have to push any buttons while driving or look into any screens at all. Just a simple speed dial and you're there; instant spousal IT support. I love my Wife(-Fi)!

No. 0060 - Sarah "The Wife"

I think marriage is rather a genius invention. Two people coming together, sharing everything, co-habitating, co-cooking, car-pooling and etc. etc. I honestly think the global energy crisis can be solved if more people would get married and live together just because life becomes so much more efficient that way. But I don't want to talk about the invention of marriage, I want to talk about . . . Sarah "the Wife".

We actually address each other by that title. Everyday I come home and I would say "hello Wife". Sarah would reply "Husband?!" I'm not bringing this up to be sappy but really, marriage is great. Why? Well for starters, my wife Sarah always spoils me. I asked her to stop but she won't. She would always try to pull a double-reverse-psychology on me. Say it is dinner time and she doesn't want to have pizza. Then I would ask what would she like for dinner. She will stick to neutrality like a snapping turtle onto a fish. After much interrogation of non-option from her part, I'd say "let's have Chinese". Then she'll say "yeah, let's have Chinese" with that enthusiastic smile that she always have. Me, being wishy-washy as I always am, would then say "nah, lets do pizza". Then my sweet wife would say "YEAH!! we haven't had pizza for a long time! I know a place". The inconsistency of enthusiasm is usually what gives it away but I don't always pick up on it. It isn't usually until afterwards or during dinner when she only eats 1/3 of a slice. I would then point out "uh, so I guess you didn't want pizza huh". Then she'll be like "yeah". You see what I'm talking about? It's like she is conning me into doing something that she doesn't like just because she knows that's what I want. Who does that? Nobody but Sarah "the Wife".

One thing that really drew me to her in the first place (besides her stunning beauty and quirk) is her brain. I'm not speaking from a standpoint of a zombie but her mind is truly one of beauty and smarts. I can always take my petty spelling questions to her and she would never judge me. She would proof read my stuff all the time. She knows I hate to write formal business emails to lame people like the United Airline or the postcard printing place, so she'll just do it for me. Besides being a quick-witted-beauty, her brain is also very accommodating. Before we were dating, she doesn't listen to NPR 'cause she said it was boring. Now she forces upon herself to listen to it all the time just so that she can bring interesting stories home to tell me about. Now that we've been married for two months, we religiously listen to Wait Wait Don't Tell Me and she would totally slaughter me on Listener Limerick Challenge (I can never get those things!).

Sarah "the Wife" is truly one of the best invention that ever happened to me and am glad that I get to be Patrick "the Husband". I love her dearly. I just would like to point out that while I was writing this blog, Sarah woke up several times, smiled, snuggled closer, said something incoherent and went right back to sleep. Isn't that just pure adorableness?!

PS - Sweetie, I'm sure there are a handful of grammatical errors in this piece, you don't judge right?

No. 0059 - Wi-Fi Mothers

When I was traveling through China about a month ago, I overheard something that caught my attention: a mother turned to her young son, about 8 or 9 years old, and asked if he needed to go pee. My first thought was, "This boy is walking and talking and everything." I wasn't bright or gifted or anything but I can vaguely remember that when I was 8 or 9, I KNEW when I needed to go pee and didn't need any reminders. My second thought was, "How come this reminds me so much of my own mother?" I can't remember any particular recent incident but I'm sure my mother has uttered those words even in my adult age (I'm sure she said something like this the last time she visited me here in Boston). Sad, I know, but then there is something that is worth discussing here.

You see, for as annoying and embarrassing as these pee reminders may be, more often than not they hit it dead on (at least with me), as if there is this mysterious connection between children and their mothers. It is almost like there is this full bars Wi-Fi connection. This is something that neither needs to be invented or manufactured: it is inherent! Isn't that scary? What's even scarier is that this connection is not password-protected, so she can tap in anytime she wants. If there are anything that needs to be invented, it is on stuff that can regulate this connection for privacy's sake. Something like "Norton Anti-Mom" or "Mother Firewall."

Bladder urges are just one of the many things that a mother has access to via this WiFi connection, I'm afraid. With my mother, I don't know how but she can even hack past my "shared folders" in this "network connection." I've experienced 3 major breakups in my life, and 2 out of 3 times, she called it dead on within 6-7 days of the occurrence without my saying anything at all. My mother usually works long hours so we hardly have any chances to talk on the phone. We exchange short emails and gchat occasionally, but conversations there rarely gets deep enough to talk about girls. At first I thought maybe Facebook had something to do with it, but I think I do a pretty good job of keeping my profile neutral. I like to reason with empirical evidence and I think 2 out of 3 times is pretty good: that's better than a 50% chance. In fact, she probably missed incident #1 only because I jumped the gun and told her, so I may have stolen her thunder there.

Also, another thing I've learned about a mother's Wi-Fi connection is that it not only works on her own sons but also on "across son's network." When I was still in college, I always hung out at my church's Institute of Religion between classes. When I was there, I usually did a variety of things: do homework, attend classes, play pool, talk with people, general goof off stuff. One day, a senior sister missionary there (Sis. Peterson for those who remember) came up to me and said, "You can't play the piano today because they are doing something to the carpet in the room." That comment blew my mind: How did she know that I wanted to play the piano? I do not play regularly but instead on an impulse (in fact I don't think I ever decided to play more than 5 mins before I decided that I wanted to), so I don't think it was a pattern recognition on her part. I asked her how she knew that I wanted to go play then, and she said it has something to do with my making popcorn at the microwave. I was like, "What?! That made no sense!"

Considering this is Mother's Day, this one is for you Mom. I know I don't say it enough, but I love you (but you would know this already since you have this transcontinental Wi-Fi connection on me). Happy Mother's Day!

No. 0058 - Flushable Microwave

I hate cleaning microwaves. Our hands and arms are not good with cleaning rectangular internal spaces, especially at the height they are typically situated which is either counter top or slightly above eye level. Even if you don't mind twisting your arm and wrist to reach inside a box, the stains are harder than most to clean. Debris usually have hardened by the time you get to them which would require more effort on your part to remove. Even after you have cleaned it, it only takes one bowl of curry to bring you back to square one. That is why I'm obsessed about using a plastic cover thing to prevent any food eruption debris from getting on the inside walls of my microwave. But even then, my cover has such low profile that the roof of the cover would dip inside my food as things are being nuked. As a result, the cover would melt a little bit.

At first I thought, wouldn't it just be easier if the inside of the microwave has a spherical shape instead of a rectangular shape. At least that may be easier on the wrist when people go clean it with a sponge. But the greater idea came as my friends and I were discussing this over dinner. What if the microwave is flushable?! Awesome! Put whatever nasty gooey food you have in your microwave. Cook it for hours if you so wish so half of the content ends up on the inside walls of the microwave. So while the food is still fresh and liquidy on the wall, just close the door and push on a lever (or a plumb bob on a rope for the real old school style flusher) and swish goes the debris. How awesome is that?!

*Note: this invention was a collaborative effort of Raj, Jenny, Jacqueline and myself. I give credit where credit is due.

No. 0057 - Smooth Braking Assistance

I few weeks ago, I was returning back to Hong Kong from a remote village in China as I found myself on a bus ride that have inspired this invention. In fact, I was mentally writing this as I was stuck in this "less than ideal" situation. Let me explain.

It has been 3 days since I've been visiting the more remote parts of China. Though I had a great trip in the Kaiping county seeking out my ancestors, I was ready to head back home to Hong Kong. I was tired, out of fresh laundry and was ready to head back to civilization. However, what stood between me and Hong Kong was this 4 hour bus ride. Since it was the end of a weekend, a lot of people were trying to head down as well. Needless to say, the bus was packed. The bus trip started out fine and we were cutting through traffic like a hot knife through a stick of butter. However, my joyride ended about 2 hours later when I woke up to a dead stop. Traffic Jam!! I'm typically pretty optimistic about traffic jams but this one is an absolute doozy. What made this even worse is that I've realize the bus driver can't drive for the life of him. He doesn't seem to know how to ease the gas and brake pedals. He would gun it for 3 inches to come to a screeching halt. He guns it enough that you would feel the pressure in the back of your seat and he would brake enough that you would lean forward. Imagine this for the following 3 hours of your life. It was miserable.

It is now 7pm and already 1 hour behind schedule. Still stuck in the traffic jam and I was starting to get a bit hungary 'cause it was dinner time. Out of no where I smelled this cheese like smell which triggered me to crave lasagna (I've been away from the states for almost 2 weeks at this point and I was pretty sick of Chinese food). But right at that moment, in the cabin of this quiet bus, I heard this noise that send chills down my spine, it sounded like this "uuururrrrghhhg, uuururrrghhg, rrrurrghurhg!". That wasn't cheese!! Someone is blowing chunks on the bus because the bus driver doesn't know how to ease the stupid brakes!! Then it became clear unto me as I see Grandma two rows up has been emptying her box of tissue to her family members (plural) on the left and right and handing out plastic bags. I thought "Grandma, THANK YOU for carrying random plastic bags with you!!!". Then it all clicked for me, "I thought I've been hearing some kid coughing in the back of the bus for the past hour but the coughing sound didn't quite follow through . . . oh my goodness, I hope there is a grandma back there too handing out plastic bags".

The smell is absolutely overwhelming at this point of the trip and I still got 2-3 hrs ahead of me. I thought about getting up to get my earbuds so I can at least mask out the barfing chorus in the background but I didn't want to stand up; I was afraid what I was going to see. It was just then I heard this toddler in the back said "I need to go poop". Now if I was in the US, I wouldn't have feared but China don't exactly uphold the same cleanliness standards. Once again, I've been visiting China for 2 weeks, I've "seen" things. I was hesterical by now. I actually laughed out loud. I thought this is one of those situations that can not possibly get any worse. Actually, now that I think back, the guy next to me probably had it worse - barfy passengers, pooping kids and a crazy guy that is laughing for no reason (Dude, if you are reading this, I'm not crazy). I looked back at my mother who sits behind me, she chuckled and threw a jacket over her head.

As I reflect on this experience, I can't blame the people for barfing. No body in their right mind would ever want to vomit for the heck of it. I can't blame the kid for having No. 2 urges, nature calls happen. Can't blame the traffic, it's the weekend. But the driver, the driver's foot is to blame. Only if he would know how to ease, all this would have been averted.